"Really, the things for me has always been that I have wanted to be known."

It was in the middle of a sentence as if she was talking about her porch, or the new color she recently put in her hair. It was a normal statement as if it had been read over and over. she knew this about herself.

we were tucked in a small restaurant in the east side of Grand Rapids eating smoked salmon and lemony berry french toast. But not in the same bite.

I think most things happen over food or coffee or a drink of sorts. I think this is where you can meet people where they are at.

I watched her linger over the words, the chartruese honey color of her eyes identical to her jacket, she used her pointer finger to articulate different parts of this sentence, her story. They came out more fluidly then they used to. She tells me everything. She doesn't leave out details. It has take awhile to get here.

I watch this desire to be truly known play out in her life.  Our warnings are always what drive our passions and our fears I think. You brace yourself against the fear of not being known, you push yourself into places where you feel "it is safe here, I can be known, I am seen."

There was a day almost 6 years ago now, when our friendship had started, she was sitting on the edge of the bathtub and I was on the toilet bowl (not going to the bathroom*), both of us defensive with our legs wrapped up near our chests and I remember Gods nudging to say to her "I won't give up on you, I am not going anywhere, I always want to be your friend."

This changed everything.
Her eyes were watering. She said simply, "okay."

It took years for her to believe me, but now once in awhile she gives me a verbal list of the people she trusts, the people who will stand up in her wedding, the people she can share the grit and grime of life and know they will a. tell her where she needs to turn back (more on that later) and b. applaud her into truth no matter how deep she has gotten herself.

This friend of mine had years of friendships that walked away. Little mistakes she made or big ones, the friendship wasnt strong enough to push through to step forward to say yes to the friendship despite the greivance and so she had for a long time built up this defense mechanism of pushing away, pulling away, saying things she didnt mean in haste. Apologies hadnt always cured things.

Dont think the words "no matter what" have not come easily for me. our warnings are always what drive our passions and our fears, remember. No matter what is a phrase I say now, often. Because I have been a person who doesnt believe it. a person who crumbles under pressure when someone says it. a person who tries to stand up tall, jump as high as I think I need to to keep the person liking me or respecting me. Afraid to fail. to lose out. to not be good enough.

I have grown up bracing myself against the fear of not being loved. I always expect the person to give up. It grows up in me after a fight like a tree. It is a weed that lingers until torn down. It is bondage that I continually have to learn to break and fight and say no too. It was not until I learned along time ago that I am loved unconditionally, really, deep in my heart, that I was able to offer this to another human.

and now, "no matter what" is my favorite thing to tell people.

It is what Jesus told me.

it is what I often have to remind myself Jesus told me.

It is my passion and my fear.